last entry
it's been...a long while.
This blog has had many many memories of my secondary and jc days, perhaps insignificant, but enough to merit at least a dignified notice before it's final journey into internet nothingness.
Quite quite goodbye.
Dear Sir/Madam,
1 month on and here I am...
quite quite changed and quite quite the same.
Just....missing some friends. And yet...strangely, feeling somewhat like a stranger when I meet some of them after a long long time.
What can I do? I changed, to be more down to earth, and perhaps...knowing just where are my weaknesses regarding things that should really matter but never really have before. Like choosing to enjoy each moment, like knowing how it's important to work efficiently and intelligently instead of just working. Like how walking and pounding my heels into the ground can be a form of therapy.
Common sense really.
So people are glad when they find me just the same, just that I cut my hair and dress in office clothes and talk a lot more but not truly say anything.
Cut, edit, paste, glue, and somehow a mangled frankenstein of self emerges from the blank whiteness of the computer screen, before it is printed, photocopied and filed according to it's reference number in the millions of files that lie on the floor, table and in the overflowing cabinets.
By Telefax, email and post. Without prejudice.
Yours faithfully,
Me.
work
soehow 3 days of work have been transformed into an eternity of walking down that road, taking the morning train with the crush of commuters,as well as eating lunch alone.
It ain't all that I had imagined, you know.
And this is raw emotion speaking, but somehow working with adults' expectations is tiring and so darn...overwhelming. somehow, even not having anything to do because you know you won't understand things very well makes you hyper aware of how inadequate you are. how inadequate i am.
Somewhere along the way during these 3 days, I've learnt to miss my classmates more than I've ever missed them in a month. I really kinda regret not being there for class reunions or anything because (some things take a long time to really sink in) it only just struck me that I might never really see them all together again. Being surrounded by my own pple. Being surrounded by teenagers who goddamn understand me, or at least what I'm going through.
Even the consideration of adults can't make up for that lack. That understanding. That feeling of belonging and sometimes the feeling of being wanted, being welcomed.
good wake up call, this... I'm learning a lot more things than what I had in mind.
somehow escapism via fanfics, manga, stories, tv and not thinking seems so inadequate in the face of the reality of my self imposed hermitage. Gods, I thought being left alone was all I wanted; now that I spend every working day eating alone, somehow that idea just seems moderately horrifying.
Keep that smile...keep smiling and asking if i could help with anything aroujnd the office, and not shied from anything they might have.
any lunch or dinner with 'my pple' seems like such a luxury now.
understatement:
A form of irony in which something is intentionally represented as less than it is in fact.
Example:
To say that i was, or am, scared is an understatement.
To want to do something which every fibre of the escapist side of me resists with a heated vehemence is really tiring. I can't really contextualise it here becuase it's too personal, but the conflict is very much present. And I am aware that 'vehemence' is a very strong word, but the only other word I could use to describe it is 'repulsion to the core of my escapist being', so erm, it's about the same intensity. Of course you'd notice the deliberate use of the word 'want' instead of 'need' and realise that I'm actually experiencing a inner conflict, dichotomy or turbulence brought about by two conflicting emotions or near the same intensity. Doesn't help when the rational mind tells me that this is perfectly silly and that I shouldn't run.
I wish I could practise what I preach you know. It'd make life so much easier, and much much much simpler.
On a random sidenote which is in accordance with the *let's change the painful subject* side of me, I'm trying my best to learn how to type using all my fingers. Which considerably reduces my typing speed for now.
One word theme for the present mood I'm experiencing: 'flare'. Think lots and lots firey colours on a black background.
No polished theories today. Too distracted.
my titles are horrible :p
these days I've been absorbing books and manga like a sponge...tuning in to the emotions of their characters, 'role-playing', feeling emotional and all that...using all these as a surrogate for my own life. I'm amazed at the wealth of experiences, at the subtlety of language that weaves a spell around me, at the very human capacity to use their emotions to dream. It's in everything i read, everything i hear or see...classics like Pride and Prejudice, to contemporaries like Brave New World, to manga, to the music on the radio, to the building I'm living in built of concrete called a HDB flat...(for the last article, i believe that everything we have and own are the results of years of innovation and dreaming and planning.)
An indulgence in escapism may somehow end up in a finer examination of the human condition after all. That'd constitute everything that appeals to our finer senses...art in all its form of drawing or music or literature, which explores our relationship with the world around us. It may be grounded upon reality and our subjective perception, but ultimately, it's not real. A shoe isn't really a shoe, or it represents something larger than a shoe. Storytellers, writers, artists, musicians all, they all seek to tell their story, a story that examines the human condition (in some way or another...sometimes it's a reflection of the author's psyche even if the subject matter is something else entirely).
That said, however, I do not believe indulgence in escapist realities is really healthy. True, I really do enjoy drawing imaginary characters in imaginary scenarios. I love manga to bits, the art can be breathtaking, and the lessons profound. But ultimately, it draws me away from the reality i find myself in. Maybe it's the type of manga I read...but like fantasy books and the reason why they are so popular, they describe an alternative world.
It's...distracting. Refinement or whatever higher ideals promoted by such indulgence...
It's still distracting.
I never mention science here, because...science is irrevocably tied to reality, so very very concerned with the physical state of things. It, in this context, is the opposite of art, though I do believe that art and science (and even religion) can ultimately exist together without any problems, but that's another essay topic for another day.
My 5 cents worth on this topic that just occurred to me. Disagree or agree or what you will, or call it written diarrhoea, it matters not so very much. It's the thinking about such issues that is important, no?
Such writing and thinking is indulgent due to the lack of physical discomfort and present satisfaction with my way of life that allows such supercilious thoughts to bloom. Compared to the world affairs such things are hopelessly puny. I can be almost ashamed of 'penning' these due to the above reasons...except that to discard them would be a waste after thinking them.
lolx...I'm in a weird humour today, not to mention a little distracted, hence the horrible paragraphing and organisation of ideas in a haphazard *i-write-what-i-thought-of-at-the-moment' manner, kindly excuse the (again) very indulgent self consciousness speaking.
Out.
moments
These moments seize your chest with heartstopping fright and let you acutely hear your blood drumming in your ear, in your throat, in your head. Instincts awaken, warning you that there is danger and gives rise to a fight or flight reaction, so strong that fear both paralyses your actions yet prompts a need to run. Instincts you didn't know you had, something awoken deep inside you from a separate consciousness that lies in the realm of half-formed dreams. Adrenaline floods the limbs and clouds the mind.
I can't think.
Fear need not only be in life-or-death situations. They could simply be in the moments when you fear the loss of a peace, of a life that you've known, in that split-heartbeat moment when rationality is overshadowed by the present.
Run.
The action of the next flutter-beat seconds go into overwhelming that fear with logical conclusions and explanations. Stop. No need to fear. Stop. Quiet. It's ok. Stop. No danger. Stop.
Stop.
Transient moments. Yet shatteringly raw (on the nerves of course).
Unease.
Fatigue.
I've been too sensitive lately. Maybe that's why sharp fleeting words, shrill sounds of a drill and any unexpected action fuel such reactions. I've always been so easy to scare.
Boo.
Focus
To focus purely on my feelings of euphoria and not my worries...
IT'S FINALLY OVER!!!!!
There are shopping trips planned, birthdays and weddings and prom...and of course, the ultra event to top everything off that is even more central to my life than prom...the penultimate event....*beams*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I'm cleaning my room :x
and painting and rearranging and hopefully getting some new shelves and yes, although it sounds all really cool, it's really a lot of work (in case you haven't seen my room, which I'm 99.9% sure you haven't, I hop among book obstacles on a daily basis) it's gonna take me days *groans* but hey, I bet it's gonna be worth it :)
and erm yes, I couldn't resist that little bit of sarcasm with the 'cleaning my room = ultimate event' part.
On an even brighter note, I'm learning to:
i) play 'go' (weiqi), from a book and a 19x19 magnetic go board and constant practice
ii) admire the 'sunlight-streaming-through-the-window' moments
iii) draw, from a friend and a book and from my self experimentations (I'm getting better :D)
iv) how to live a life with tons of regrets and setbacks stacked up and (surprise) learning to find a unique voice of my own
v) cook, from mom (when I'm done cleaning my room)
vi) spend more time with friends that are closer to me, and as well as with my family
vii) work harder for what i really want
viii) accept that there are a lot of things i want to do but I really shouldn't (like watch 'phantom of the opera' cos my budget's a little tight, even though I reeeaaaalllllly want to)
that's a lot, ain't it? oh, and i forgot to mention my intention to take up a part time job (vacancies?) during the hols...been looking, a few openings have since been closed but I'd keep it up (and it's only been a day since my last paper)
yeah, that was pretty dull huh, for a champagne breakout after the exams i mean. But hey, it doesn't really take very much to make me happy.
and yes, to use a useful quote from 'Brave New World' by Aldous Huxley (which has *some* nice quotes)
"Actual happiness always looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery."
Toodles, till next time~
yawn
my recent entries are drop dread boring.
My life hasn't been really all that fascinating lately haha, read some of my friends' blogs and realised how homogenous the subject matter is.
I feel kind of demoralised that I've become a stereotype and a possible statistical count.
one more month and the fireworks and champagne will be broken out.
For now, work it has to be.
off to more work and hopefully less distractions.
random thought of the day:
the beauty of the transient silence,
fleetingly glimpsed and rarely heard of,
treasured.
lolx randomness
I think the act of studying allows for a very interesting study of people :)
some people need music blasting into their ears while others need almost absolute quiet (need noise in the background but not near enough to distinguish the words...that's my ideal situation btw)
others suddenly exclaim phrases and commit them to memory by linkages, and some don't even need to talk; they just stare silently at a paragraph and can recite it word for word in an exam. *shudders*
Other than my ideal situation of near silence, i guess having music's a good second best, though i have a tendency to sing/hum off tune to it at times haha...that's usually the case when i play something from my meagre selection of about 5 cds,so I know most of the songs pretty well :p
but it's peaceful, studying i mean. Most of the time. And studying with friends is usually an endlessly variable experience in which the lamest jokes seem funny and with certain friends studying can actually be done more effectively than when one is alone (everyone's studying, so less inclination to take frequent breaks).
At the very least, studying allows for more contemplation during quieter moments.(well, maybe that's just me cos my mind wanders a lot) and for some reason the random drawings turn out so much more elaborate (and might I say beautiful?) than normal. =_=;;
off to do more maths. bleah.
serenity
step 1: Accept what is happening.
step 2: Learn that the only way to make a difference is to change yourself and how you react to the circumstances. Learn to tell the difference between circumstances that need action and those that do not affect you (and if it's the latter, ask why do you want to change it if you still want to make a difference)
step 3: change your perspective and the way you do things little by little. Even though circumstances happen by coincidence or fate or providence and cannot be controlled, it can be changed for the better through how you react to it and with the people involved.
That said, I shall go back to my essay writing. Gotta have to make that difference in my life too. I hate writing some essays and I get really restless, but it's got to be done.
imperatives, personal bias and generalisations aside, that's just how I see it I guess. Somehow problems don't seem all that mind-boggling when one reeaallyy thinks hard about them. Even relationship-related ones on a big scale (say...on a class level?) aren't all that horrible. It's natural to have cliques and I'm sure no one has the intent to scheme and do nasty things, so no need to agonise over what we do not have. It's a nice topic to gripe about, sure, but hey, it ain't all that bad.
Why can't people just be happy already? lolx...
the irony of me asking that question, but what the heck, I'm happy at this very moment, so there. ^^
Due to law of diminishing coherence that is set off by the invasion of irrelevant thoughts, I shall stop here before the quality of my original thought is degraded any further.
*inner voice pipes up: 'what quality?'*
